I nearly had a breakdown yesterday. I felt like an animal caged in a zoo, roaming around with nothing to do. It was almost 7 pm, I got up from my bean bag and I was like "O dear Lord, I am snapping!" I felt tears flowing on my face and allergies on my shoulders are coming up again. I told myself "this aint good". I went out out of the office with my credit cards and headed to market market without anyone knowing. I mean duh! like they care?
I went to market market and saw this nice red dress. Got myself some pairs of underwear too hehehe. I just love the feeling of shopping when you are offically broke. I was flying like a G6. I got back to the office, past 9pm and logged out from what they so called "work". I saw my officemate's worried face and before she'd say I word I told her "im fine, Im a little unwell. Dont tell a word to our boss".
I ate hotdog sandwich. I went home still hungry, I ate 2 cups of rice and liempo.....still hungry.....ate balut....still hungry.... ate chicharon....still not contented..took 2 bottles of tanduay ice...then... yeah I felt it wooopoosh!
Yep, I didnt go to work today and I dont feel guilty at all. I never felt this unimportant before.
Here's the problem: if you would sit on your station, you got nothing to do, you'd fall asleep. If you go to the pantry stare at ceiling endlessly, people would look at you and talk about you. If you go to the sleeping quarters, people would say that you are slacking off. When you stay at the lobby, they would still talk about you. It is boring and it is driving me crazy!
Come on.... Not doing anything for almost 4 months aint funny anymore! I want to work, become productive before I sleep. What's goin on is I cannot do anything even for myself! People I am texting is none of anyone's business and I dont like rumors about me and Johnny Bravo. That was so yesterday. Can you think of anything new? I have nothing to do with that FGLG nobody. --- And yes I am so single and I am so freakin happy about it... Tell your friends that!!!!
The best thing that happened to me today is, speaking to Nuriko, my japanese student. Ironically I learned a lot from her today. We were discussiong the role of men and women in the society. We talked about separation and divorce. We never spoke about love at all. It came to a part when I asked her, "what if you met a guy who is way better than your husband?" She gave me a very traditional Japanese answer " You must accept your mistakes deal with it because that's what you got and face the consequences". That was a strong answer. It hit me instantly. It wasnt just about relationship. It is about dealing what you already have rather than what you never had. Right then, I understand what kind of coward I have been and am.
I look at myself and I found someone who keeps on fretting about her lost scholarship. An achiever who doesnt like her job. An ambitious person who hopes that someone out there will help her. A woman who thinks that all men are beasts. Guess what? It sounds pathetic but it is damn right! It so easy to say it but it it is hard to accept it.
The truth is. I walked out from school, that is why I lost the scholarship. The truth is, it is done. The truth is, I can still look for another job. Plus, the fact that I enjoy teaching Japanese. The truth is.. no one else will help me. Moe and Ice can only do so much for me. I dont want to burden Dr. Smith. She's gonna be married and I am so freakin happy for her. Moe2 is a decent man. See? not all men are beasts...they just haven't grown up yet :-) They would only hurt me if I let them, so why should I be afraid of men? The truth is.... my plan stands. Save money, save a child and raise him solely because I work better all by myself :_)
Moe is right, I WAS depressed. I dont regret not going to work. I need myself back badly. I should accept that people come and go like they always do. I just have to be steadfast. I can lose anyone else but not myself....... not my sanity........
